Wednesday, November 7, 2007

remember


i remember this day four years ago
it was sunny and warm, and we were thinking, it can't be november, the weather is so good!
Ricky called me while i was buying my season tickets. panos was looking for our seats and i was just looking at all the pictures. when i saw my caller id, i thought "yes! ricky and tina are here, we're going out tonight!"
when he told me i lost my balance. i fell wherever i was standing, and thankfully there was a chair there. i couldn't believe it, i had to push my brain till it hurt to get myself to believe it. i cried uncontrollably. i still do to this day.
we travelled all night by train. all i would to was try to get myself to believe it. we met ismini by chance on the train. i remember her face swollen, and tracks of tears still visible. we went to the cafe, and noone was speaking. i couldnt even open my mouth to form a word.
the train was packed with people travelling all night to be in athens in the morning. we got off and went to a coffee shop to get some coffee before it all started. i remember my body numb and i remember i could feel a pain, but can't remember where.
i remember what i was wearing. it was this cop copine shirt you always told me how much you liked and a pair of jeans. i thought it was so ironic that i was seeing you out wearing this shirt.
leaving the cafe, we bought our newspaper, to see if they had thought to write a piece on you. they had. 100 words on a black field. i got so angry i threw the paper away. 100 words? on you? tomorrow i'd return and give them a piece of my mind. let them know that it takes more than 100 words to describe someone like you, and to convey the pain your leaving causes. it takes more than 100 words to honor a person that gave light, kindness and smile to everyone unconditionally. it takes more than 100 words to explore how someone whose whole life had been carved by sickness and unbearable pain managed to never show it, but go down her path patiently, quietly, bravely, like the hero that you were.
it takes more than 100 words to even begin to describe the tragedy of someone leaving at the age of 28, when she could have given so much and been so happy.
i remember reaching the church. suddenly i really didn't want to go in. everyone would go but i really didn't want to set my foot in it. panos asked me, please, he said, we have to. i remember dragging my feet, i felt 3 years old again, i did not want to go. we went inside the courtyard and looked inside the room. there you were, lying in a bed of flowers, your hair out of your face, the way you never wanted it. your face so calm and void of expression the way you never were. your mother staring at you, trying to memorize your every feature. i remember thinking don't, thats not her at all. i cried uncontrolably. i still do to this day.
i didnt want to come inside to kiss you goodbye. im so bad with goodbyes and i knew you'd understand. besides, i remember not being able to move my legs. i sat under a tree and waited. i remember seeing george crying like a baby behind another tree. we lost george for months after this day. even today i don't know where he was and what he did.
i remember them moving you to the church for the ceremony. i dont remember what the priests said. i remember i had left my sunglasses home and the whole world could see my swollen face. i remember them taking you to your final place. i remember the thumping of the ground on you. i can still feel its weight on my chest to this day. i remember how much it hurt your mother. i asked them to wait till i was gone she said. i remember her friends taking her away.
i remember ricky throwing a party for you that night. i remember thinking that this would trully be the way youd want us all to say goodbye to you. i remember walking in your home and almost collapsing. i remember pano holding me very tightly cause he knew i would. i remember hugging ricky and forcing myself not to cry. i remember all the songs and i remember that pain was almost a person that night, coming to everyone and hugging us with all his strength. i remember i couldnt stay. i remember kissing ricky and leaving, and then collapsing once again on the street. i remember being angry at ricky for not telling me you were dying. i remember all those things i wanted to tell you before you left. i remember wanting to tell you that i love you, that you changed my life, that i owe you so much, that i would do anything to keep you alive. i remember the emptiness i felt. and the anger. and the emptiness.
i don't remember much after that.
but i remember you