Snow

Can you guys see the snow?

I know that for most of you it isn't a big deal, and you probably don't even like snow, cause it causes a lot of problems and all that...
But it doesn't snow that often here, and it almost never sets, so today? big day for me!
It's been snowing all morning (it's 12:47pm right now). I woke up at about 9, it started snowing about half an hour later. Nothing is white yet, just wet and probably slippery, but at least I can see snowflakes!
so... yeah...
snow!

Control

I was watching "Control" again last night
it killed me once again, as it always does
Ian Curtis had been a personal icon for me, even though i was 4 1/2 when he died

What really shocks me is that this man never really got to know and realize - and I believe that he never even imagined, not to the millionth of its extent - how decisively he would change the fate of music, art, what a deep trace his existence and work would leave to the psyches and cultures of people all over the world

Icons such as him don't exist any more

Out to get you

My work is killing me today. Their voices, the things they say, they just stab me right through the head, and I can’t stop them.

I took my earphones and placed them on my ears. I pushed the button and closed my eyes.

The music filled my head like only music can. I imagine the room emptying. There’s noone here but me. Now, not even me anymore.

Im so alone tonight, My bed feels larger than when I was small, back then, when things were easy. And beautiful. Now I’m Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets and all old pillows. My past is flowing by me, like butterflies, tickling my fingertips, caressing my shut eyelids, kissing my lips. So alone tonight, miss you more than I will let you know, Miss the outline of your back, miss you breathing down my neck. My breath is heavy, because I can see you. You’re standing there, by the door, so many years back, giving me that look, that stole my dreams so long ago. So deep in the past, and so near to my surface.
All out to get you, once again, theyre all out to get you, once again

It’s funny, this sweet taste a very bitter past can acquire through the years. Like all the pain is filtered away, and all you’re left with is a teary nostalgia, that walks with you everywhere you go. And, like a shadow, every time you reach out to touch it, it reaches out and touches you back. Only it can’t feel your touch. Only you can. Insecure, what ya gonna do, Feel so small, they could step on you. Called you up, answer machine, only I never did. Because you were only a dream, when the human touch Is what I need, what I need is you, I need you.

I need you...

Growing up is a bitch. Especially when all you have to show for yourself is compromise and dead dreams. Did you know that dreams never really die? Looked in the mirror, I dont know who I am any more The face is familiar, but the eyes, the eyes give it all away. They just stop their screaming in your head, and that’s when you think they have died. But all they do is crawl up on your face, dig a trench and live in there for ever. And steal their part of the gleam in your eyes. Because that’s what makes our eyes shine: our dreams. When we bury them, then we’ve nothing.
Theyre all out to get you, once again, theyre all out to get you Here they come again

Oh, here they come again… They’re after me, they’re after you, I’m after you, I was after you, I’ll always be, even when I’m not. But you’ll always be so far away… so Insecure, what ya gonna do, Feel so small, they could step on you, and haven’t they? Called you up, answer machine, when the human touch Is what I need, what I need is you

And all these years, all I ever wanted was to breathe. Let me breathe, if youd let me breathe

Theyre all out to get you, once again, theyre all out to get you

Once again…
I need you...

Home

I stayed at home today, meaning that I didn't go to work. I called in, not sick, but very tired and worn out.
I'm very happy I can do this with my boss, even though I don't really like my job. The truth is, I'm on antibiotics for, well, something, and they hurt my stomach. Last night I was feeling drunk, even though I haven't drunk in ages... The room was spinning, I couldn't see clearly and my stomach was feeling like a stupid... uhm... I'll say "rock", cause no good word or metaphor comes to mind. I slept few to zero hours last night - Panos, good man, - my boyfriend, for those of you who don't know- refused to stay at his home (we were at his place when it happened, but I couldn't stay there) and drove with me to my place and stayed at my place, even though his (stupid) cat was pissed at him for leaving (I swear, this cat is human, and he hates me!), so I was feeling secure.

To stop everyone right there, before you start saying I'm sick and getting all worried and everything, I'm not sick, I just need to take these antibiotics till Saturday or Sunday for this tiny little unimportant thing I have, and then everything will be better! I just think Augmentin is a bit strong for me, but I'm already better.

I thought I'd work on my Ronda thing today, that I'm at home, but the truth is, it's already noon, and I am still watching stupid shows on TV, my brain is already mushed from watching too much Menegaki (seriously, consider yourselves lucky for not living in Greece and not having the Menegaki option when staying at home) and I don't think I can be creative in any way.
The truth is, I don't really know what to do with my time, once I'm at home, and not at work. When thinking of the prospect of staying at home, I have all these plans for what to do with my day. "I'll do this, I'll write that, I'll shop there, I'll jog here" and all that. When the time comes, I find my ass glued on my couch, I don't even carry my laptop to my desk, so my feet take turns falling asleep from sitting in weird positions, trying to make myself comfortable on a couch I only like sitting and not lying on! I need to be more organized, or I'll never finish my Ronda*.

*yes, my Ronda is a book

I am thinking of doing so many things in the future, that I am sure I won't be doing any. I am still considering L'Aquila, though my initial enthusiasm is kind of fading away... I mean, yes, I do want to get out of here, but how is going to some village in Italy and stopping what I'm doing in order to do something completely different going to help me at all? But I'm considering going to Dublin. Or London. Or even New York (though that would be truly expensive, and I don't want that). Panos said he'd consider going to Chicago with me, if we could find jobs... HEY, ANYONE IN CHICAGO, WE'RE GOOD AT WRITING, AND GREAT ON THE RADIO! ANY JOBS OUT THERE FOR US??
Anyway, I have no idea how to get a job in another country. In Greece it's all about the people you know, and I don't know anyone in Chicago.

The bottom line is, I really need a change in my life. When I was younger, these points in my life were more frequent, and when they came, I'd change boyfriends, jobs, go on trips, completely change my hair, you know the feeling? Well, I like my boyfriend (which is really a first for me!), I don't reaaaaaally want to change my hair, I wish I could find another job, but it's difficult, and I really can't afford to take another course at the NYFA, the last one cost way too much money! Plus, I feel like I can't get myself organized to think of anything, and plan anything, and I need a break from work. I still have 12 vacation days left from last year, but I can't take it yet... And 2 weeks (that's how long that is) is really not enough!

Anyway
Am I ranting?
Was that a rant?
who cares?
I'll let you in on a little secret: I typed more than half of this with my eyes closed!