The night before...

Tonight, five years ago, was the last night you were alive.
You were in terrible pain, and you knew you were dying. You had been crying for months, but in reality you had been crying for years... for a whole lifetime. But we never ever saw it.

I wonder what you were thinking... I know you asked Ricky not to call us and not to tell us, and I am angry at him for not doing so... I so wanted to be there for you, in your final moments. I wanted to always be there for you, I just hadn't realized it until it was too late.

I remember you calling every single day, saying "come visit!" and never did I realize how important it was... not until it was too late.

What were your thoughts? What were you feeling? What does one want and hope for when on a deathbed?
I wonder if you knew how I hoped I could touch you with my hand and share your pain. But I know I could never be as strong as you. How could I? I wonder if you knew how I hoped I could take it all away. I think you did... I just wish I knew it.

Five years ago, tonight, was the last night you were alive. It was the last moon you saw, the last time you counted the stars. The last time you wished you visited Iceland, the last time you listened to music in the dark. The last time you fell asleep to wake up. The last time you had a dream that would end in the morning.

I hope there's no more nights where you are. I hope it's all bright mornings and clear faces. I hope you are in the most beautiful dream. I hope you're singing and dancing in clouds and music. A non stop dance to happiness and truth. And laughter

I hope you are laughing.

I never forget